"So you See, Captain, We Are Not all Barbarians..."

Found transcribed on the internet, this is one of my favourite comedy sketches of all time. It's also the only funny thing Smith & jones ever did.

[Setting: a Nazi General's fine office. General Gruber is listening to classical music while being fitted for a new suit by a tailor, with a beautiful blond attending.]

[there is a knock on the door]

Gruber: Enter!

Schtum: [entering] Heil Hitler! [salutes] General Gruber?

Gruber: I am General Gruber. As you can see, I am the Nazi general who is always being fitted for a new uniform. I enjoy the company of beautiful women while listening to classical music with my eyes shut. [he does so]

Schtum: I see.

Gruber: I am also the Nazi general who says "You see captain, we are not all barbarians."

Schtum: I am Schtum, the Nazi general with a mean streak to my character. You will find that I am always removing my gloves. [he does] So. I disapprove of other generals being measured for new uniforms. And I am always the one who is winding up the telephone [he does] and saying "Get me the Führer!"

[a knock on the door]

Gruber: Enter!

von Dunkerl: [entering] Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. General von Dunkel. I am the slightly pervy general. And I may also be a little bit GAY. Heil Hitler! [salutes] As you can see I have a twitch. And I am always dabbing my mouth with a handkerchief because I have no lips.

[a knock on the door]

Gruber: Enter!

Kessler: [entering] Good evening gentleman, I am Kessler. I am the easy going general who does not need to salute properly.

All: Heil Hitler!

Kessler: [barely salutes] Ja, ja... You will notice my ludicrous scar, and my obvious limp. I also have spent many happy years in London.

All: [sentimentally] Aaah.

Kessler: The reason for my uniform being a slightly different colour to yours is never explained.

[a knock on the door]

Gruber: Enter!

Matthau: [entering, limping] General. General Matthau. Forgive my late arrival, but as you can see I have a rather obvious-

Kessler: [clearing his throat] No, I am afraid the limp is me, I'm afraid.

Matthau: [stops limping] But of course I am a little bit GAY, and I dab my lips with a -

von Dunkerl: I think you will find that is me, my friend.

Matthau: [throws away handkerchief] In which case I must immediately wind up the telephone and say ...

Schtum: [shouting in the telephone] Get me the Führer!

Matthau: At least I still enjoy the company of beautiful women and listening to the grammophone, classical music [sees Gruber doing so] - ...with your eyes ...*shut*?

Gruber: I'm afraid so.

Matthau: You leave me with no choice! I am the Nazi general who is outwardly calm but subject to sudden and inexplicable *FITS OF TEMPER!!!*

All: Aaaaah!

THE END.