Here it is, the Big List Of Things That Stephen To Do. I am amazed, not only by the number of talented comedians that I know, but also by the amount of extra informatrion I got from people: that I should ignore whatever suggestions a certain correspondant made, that "The Name of the Rose" is shit, that one of my friends is being hassled by "tank-top wearing hippies", and that the main disadvantage of the National Portrait Gallery is that it is not in any way offensive.
I've added a few items of my own, both for the purposes of comedy and to get a nice round number.
1) Why not come to visit us in Brighton?
2) Why not hike the South Downs Way?
3) Why not perform chalk drawings on Stockport pavements?
4) Why not dye your hair?
5) Why not knit a giant blanket?
6) Why not study a foreign language?
7) Why not read some Thomas Hardy?
8) Why not do some voluntary work?
9) Why not cycle across the Pyrenees to Barcelona, camping on the way (but not in the Keith Richards sense)?
10) Why not feck off?
11) Why not go to Westminster Cathedral and steal one of St. John Southworth’s limbs?
12) Why not meet me for a drink?
13) Why not spit on Enoch Powell’s grave?
14) Why not visit The National Portrait Gallery?
15) Why not watch the films “Reanimator”, “Necronomicon”, and “Dagon”?
16) Why not incur massive debt?
17) Why not meet an old Yank friend?
18) Why not invade Abyssinia?
19) Why not kill an animal with your bare hands?
20) Why not visit every county town in England?
21) Why not write the Great American Novel?
22) Why not become a close personal friend of Sting?
23) Why not construct a fictitious persona and go on holiday playing that person?
24) Why not learn how to unicycle?
25) Why not get thrown out of a “Lord of the Rings” film by shouting “Now that’s what I’m Tolkien about!” every time an orc gets killed?
26) Why not pretend at parties that you’re learning to unicycle?
27) Why not invent names for unicycle stunts that don’t exist?
28) Why not star in a short film where you play a world-weary film noir detective partnered with an exuberant sock puppet?
29) Why not perform situationist comedy at English football grounds – throwing a Chelsea Bun onto the pitch at Stamford Bridge, hiding at Hyde United, and so on?
30) Why not get Liechtenstein nationality, play for their international football team, and become famous for kicking famous, highly-paid professional footballers in the crotch?
31) Why not become Irish?
32) Why not think of something to do with a tainted Feng-Shui statuette?
33) Why not burn the master tapes to “Birds of a Feather”?
34) Why not visit all of the very small countries of the world?
35) Why not write a short story/film called “The Limehouse Cut”?
36) Why not get a massage from the “Massage Parlour” on Green Lanes?
37) Why not visit Peniston with Andy? (NOTE: Not a euphamism)
38) Why not form a band made up entirely of Billy Idol impersonators?
39) Why not learn how to cook?
40) Why not learn how to massage?
41) Why not learn how to dance?
(These last three come with the advice that they will make women melt at my feet, which sounds fun. If likely to make my shoes all sticky.)
42) Why not legally change your name to “Johnny Foreigner”?
43) Why not go to work dressed as T.E. Lawrence?
44) Why not deliberately score own goals?
45) Why not use your AHRB application to make veiled threats?
46) Why not flamboyantly spunk some research?
47) Why not buy a pet frog, and give it the name “Aristophanes”?
48) Why not buy a Japanese schoolgirl outfit for a friend?
49) Why not grow a beard, but wear a fake beard over it?
50) Why not party like it’s 1899?
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